Log in

No account? Create an account

bjcarlisle's Journal

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

11:47AM - Hate me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

Monday, September 18, 2006

4:32PM - weekend...

was as boring as ever. went on a date with this guy. had chatted with him on the phone and met him in person but this was the first official date. here is a sample of our converstation:

my friend asked to borrow my motorcycle and i said no and he said but you let tommy borrow it. and i said only because i was riding franks bike along side of tommy. of course you saw where that got me. tommy and i were out riding and this cop passed us and i told tommy to ride ahead cause the cop was coming back but he would. so the cop went ahead to get that lady for doing 99 and then came back to get me. i tried turning off and stopping but that didn't work. he got me going 91. no way i was going that fast. so i told tommy to go ahead but he wouldn't and once the cop gave me a ticket he gave tommy a ticket for not having a motorcycle license. i didn't know that tommy didn't have his. so i called frank to come and get his bike. crystal answered and said 'this had better be important'. and i said sorry, i don't wanna know. put frank on. so then i said frank come get your bike and bring crystal to bring tommy back. so we had to sit in the cop car to frank and crystal finished up and got out there. then crystal said i can't believe you interrupted us. and i said could you take tommy back to the house? there was no way i was going 91.

several things wrong with this picture
1-i'm not at all interested in motorcycles
2-apparently he doesn't need to breath between words
3-i like to talk. me + guy who doesn't stop long enough to let me talk = not so much

but at least i got a free meal out of it right?

Friday, September 8, 2006

1:39PM - nothing special

just thought i'd update twice in one week. or something like that.

anyway i'm going to a friends 'house warming' which is really just an excuse for everyone to drink. sorta silly considering the fact that at 26 i'm the youngest person that will be there. who needs and excuse at that age?

i'm in a really good mood today and i haven't figured it out yet. i'm finding everything hilarious. don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing. just curious.

Current mood: chipper

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

4:11PM - Hola!

Yeah, so I've not been around all summer. Once again I wish I had a great excuse as to why. But I don't.

I'm getting excited about my trip to Green Bay. My father and I are going to see the Packers @ Lambeau sometime this fall. And since the Packers are stinking up the preseason, the tickets have dropped from $300 a piece (including 1 night room stay) to $159. Now to pick the game and order the tickets.

My love life still stinks.

My niece is still the most precious toddler in the world.

Pretty much nothing's changed.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

3:36PM - Imagine that...

Me MIA for a while. No good excuse this time. Oh well.

Miss you guys but not much to report.

I had a cookie for lunch today. Well not only a cookie. A #2 McValue meal and a cookie for desert.

Yep, that's the excitement that is my life.

Tee hee. My Michael Icon has a whole new meaning now!

Current mood: apathetic

Thursday, April 20, 2006

1:47PM - Woot!

I'm in a wonderful mood. Why you ask? Because the lady at the Taco Bell drive through gave me a free coke. Seriously. That's all it took.

Apparently my life is getting back on track (fairly quickly IMHO). Its been less than 2 weeks since the breakup was official and already my calendar is booked with activies for the next week and into next weekend. Its awesome realizing that I *DID* have a life before him. A very good one in fact. And it was dating him, not breaking up with him, that made that life go away.

any way...

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 4 questions. Any 4, no matter how personal, dirty, private, or random. I have to answer them honestly. In turn, you have to post this message in your own journal, and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.

Current mood: bouncy

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

12:49PM - Cause I was bored...

Name: Brooke
Nickname: BJ, Brookie, Boonie
Birth Place: Knoxville
Birthday: June 7th
Age: 25
Height: 5' 4"
Hair Color: brown w/carmel highlights
Eye Color: blue/green
Current Location: Sevierville
Lefty or Righty?: righty
Heritage: a little bit of everything
Weakness: too trusting
Fears: germs, nuclear radiation

Fallen For Your Best Friend: yep
Kissed A Friend: yep
Been Rejected: yep
Been In Love: yep
Used Someone: yep
Cheated On Someone: nope
Been Cheated On: yep
Done Something You Regret: plenty of things

Color Your Hair: yes
Have Tattoos: no
Have Any Piercing's: yes
If So How Many: 2 sets in each ear
Have A Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no
Like Thunderstorms: no
Ever Get Off The Computer: occasionally
Considered A Life Of Crime: no
Considered Being A Hooker: no
Considered Being A Pimp: no
Split Personalities: no
Obsessions: yep
Panic: rarely
Anxiety: too often
Depression/Considered Suicide: no
Want To Go To College: already graduated
Shower Daily: yep
Believe In Yourself: nope
Get Motion Sickness: nope
Think Your Attractive: nope
Play An Instrument: i play the piano very poorly

Current Clothes: Green Ireland rugby shirt
Current Shoes: white sandals
Current Mood: hungry (is that a mood?)
Current Hair: down and straight
Current Music: can't hear anything over my heater
Current Annoyance: myself
Current Perfume: Happy by Clinque
Current Thing You Should Be Doing: not gonna tell on myself
Current Crush: Shelton Benjamin

Drink: (soda) Mountain Dew-caffeine free of course (Alchol) blue curaco
Color: red
Candy: snickers
Movie: Frequency
Place: Yankee Stadium (just for you Steph!)
Person To Talk To: Kelly--both of them

McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds
Marry The Perfect Lover Or Perfect Friend: friend
Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: Dr. Pepper
Sunshine or Rain: sunshine
Spring or Fall: spring
Winter or Summer: Winter
Vanilla or Chocolate: chocolate
Snowboarding or Skiing: no thank you
Lights On or Off: erm...what are you talking about? ;)
Single or Group Dates: single
Cappuccino or Coffee: cappuccino

Understanding: I try to be
Open Minded: not really
Bad Tempered: hell yeah
Happy: working on it
Attractive: nope
Bored Easily: yep
Sad: no
Unique: as Kelly says, I'm unique just like everyone else.

Drank Alcohol: no
Smoked: no
Been On Drugs: no
Gone On A Date: only if dinner with his family counts
Gone To The Mall: yes
Eaten A Box of Oreos: no
Eaten Sushi: no
Been On Stage: no
Been Dumped: yep
Gone Skinny Dipping: no

Stolen Anything: no
Been Drunk: yep
Called A Tease: yep ;)
Been Beaten Up: no
Shoplifted: no

Eyes: my last few have been brown-eyed, so I'll go with blue for a change
Hair: blonde
Long or Short Hair: short
Height: taller than me
Body Type: athleticro
Personality: honest, good sense of humor, sincere

How Would You Describe Yourself?: loyal
Do You Have Any Pets?: only a house plant
Any Siblings: 1 sister
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: a Pro-wrestling valet
Do You Want To Get Married And Have Kids?: get married yes, that's a big no on the kids
What Is Your Best Physical Trait?: eyes
What Is The Best Thing About Your Personality?: my humor
What Is The Most Annoying Thing About You: I tend to obsess about things
How Do You Want To Die: quick and painless
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit: Spain
Best Clothing Style: what's comfortable
# CDs I Own: too many to count
# Of Things I Regret: just 2

1.What curse word do you use the most?

2. Do you own an iPod?

3. Who on your Myspace "Top 8" do you talk to the most?

4. What time is your alarm clock set for?

5. How many suitcases do you own?
too many to count

6. Do you wear slippers even when it's cold outside?
especially when its cold outside

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
take it

8. What was the last movie you watched?
Legend of Zorro

9. Do any of your friends have children?
a few

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
nope, not usually

12. What CD is currently in your CD player?
Toby Keith Unleashed

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
regular (skim)

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I don't think so...unless you count comments that I wouldn't want to share with the world.

15. When was the last time someone hit on you?

16. Can you whistle?

17. Who was the last person to call you?
someone @ work

18. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
i'm sure

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?

20. How many siblings do you have?

21. Are you shy around the opposite sex?

22. What movie do you know every line to?
Pure Country

23. Do you own any band t-shirts?

24. What is your favorite salad dressing?

25. Do you read for fun?
yep and for sanity--it helps me clear my head

26. Do you do your own dishes?

27. Have you ever cried in public?
too often

8. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?

29. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?

30. What is the the weather like?

31. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
i have and would again

32. Do you have an online journal?

33. When's the last time you slept on the floor?
a few months ago i slept on the floor with my niece

34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
7 or 8

35. Do you eat breakfast daily?
nope, i've gotten out of the habit

36. Are your days full and fast-paced?
not typically

37. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class?
nope, i was a model student :D

38. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
depending on my mood

39.Is there someone you like right now?

40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
grammar yes, i'm an awful speller

41. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

42. About that person you like, do you think theres a chance?
not interested right now

43. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?

44. Do you like mustard?
on some things

45. Do you sleep on your tummy, or back?

46. are you gay, lesbian or straight?

47. are you currently in a relationship?

48. do you hate anyone at the moment?
no, hate takes too much effort and i'm not willing to give someone that much power over my life

1. TV show: LOST
2. Flower: Daisies
3. Alcohol: Blue Curaco
4. Movie: Frequency
5. Color: red
6. Sport: football (unless wrestling counts)
7. Mall: ???
8. Music: country
9. Food: steak
10. Season: Winter

1. hometown: Sevierville, TN
2. height: 5'4"
3. Hair color: brown with blonde highlights
4. Hair length: shoulder
5. Hair style: straight
6. Eye color: blue/green
7. Shoe size: 9
8. mood: optimistic
9. sexuality: straight
10. status: single

1. Have you ever been in love: yep
2. Do you believe in love?: yeah
3. Why did your last relationship fail?: you'd have to ask him
4. Have you ever been heartbroken?: yes
5. Have you ever broken someones heart?: yep
6. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?: yes
7. Are you planning on getting married?: eventually someday
8. Are you afraid of commitment?: maybe
9. Would you ever get married to someone of the same sex?: no
10. Would you ever have sex with someone of the same sex?: no

1. love or lust?: love
2. hard liquor or beer?: liquor
3. night or day?: day
4. hook-ups or relationship?: relationship
5. tv or internet?: hmmm, depends on when you ask
6. Pepsi or coke?: coke
7. wild night out or romantic night in?: wild night out
8. Saturday or Sunday?: Saturday
9. Colored or black and white picture?: colored
10. Phone or in person?: in person

1. Have you ever been caught sneaking out?: no
2. Have you ever skinny dipped?: no
3. Have you ever done something you regret?: of course
4. Have you ever bungee jumped?: yep
5. Have you ever been on a house boat?: no
6. Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker?: don't think so
7. Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt?: yeah
8. Have you ever stayed up all night til the sun came up?: no
9. Have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey?: nope--never got caught
10. Have you ever been caught by your parents doing anything more than making out?: no

1. Are you missing someone right now?: no
2. Are you in love with anyone?: no
3. Are you happy?: working on it
4. Are you talking to anyone right now?: nope
5. Are you bored?: sorta
6. Are you German?: nope, American
7. Are you Irish?: nope, American
8. Are you Italian?: nope, American
9. Are your parents still married?: yep!
10. Do you like someone right now?: no

Current mood: bored

Friday, April 14, 2006

11:11AM - Good Friday

I have today off work, which ordinarily I would be thankful for. But today will be the first day that I go without talking to my exboyfriend. We officially broke up on Sunday. Then Monday-Wednesday we exchanged hateful emails back and forth, and I dropped off his stuff with his mom. Then yesterday I got a text from him telling me that there was nothing I could do to come between him and his new girl. So I text him back and say 'good. neither of you will ever here from me again.'

Last night I slept more than 4 hours straight for the first time in 2 weeks. I went to bed at 10:30 and didn't wake up till 6. Then I just went to the bathroom and went right back to sleep. That's amazing progress! But this morning all I can think about is how its been 2 weeks since we went out and were truly happy. Tomorrow will be officially 2 weeks since we've seen each other, but he daughter was sick 2 Saturdays ago so we really didn't get to spend a lot of time together. But two weeks ago today we were really happy. Or at least I was and he was faking it pretty well. :(

And then I also feel guilt. Because as a Christian we 'celebrate' today as the day that Jesus suffered and died on the cross for my sins. Sins that I have committed over the past 3 months. Neglecting Him. Doing things contrary to His word and justifying it because I was happy. Yet here I am longing for those days to return.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

4:38PM - Quick update

My boyfriend dumped me over the weekend. going back to his ex. sux really bad but i'm just glad to know something...he strung me along last week trying to 'make up his mind' which translates into trying to keep me on the hook long enough to see if it was going to workout with her.

Current mood: crappy

Friday, March 17, 2006


I'm really starting to suck at updating. :( first off happy birthday to rjchasez go out and drink some green beer to celebrate! I've lifted the "friday five" questions from several peeps on my flist: 1) If you were to star in a movie who would want to be cast as your love interest? Vince Vaughn 2) What genre of movie would you most like to star in? one of the crazy comedies that Vince does so well (think Old School) 3) What song would you insit be on the soundtrack? "Good Little Girls", not sure who sings it 4) What would you wear to the premier of your movie? A backless sexy red dress 5) Who would you thank in your Oscar acceptance speech? my boyfriend for allowing me to cheat with Vince... My boy and I are doing really well. I have had several moments of insane jealousy and I keep trying to reasure him that its just because I care so much for him. Big plans for St. Patty's this weekend. Going to an Irish/redneck bar tonight, then going to Cathlic church on Sunday night for beer and traditional Irish songs.

Current mood: flirty

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

10:03AM - Back to life, Back to reality

The trip to Dallas was great. Learned a little (unless my bosses are reading this then I learned a lot) and partied at night. :D Told the boy I loved him the night before I left for the trip (he told me a couple weeks before that), and I missed him while I was gone, but I sure had a good time!

He was at the gate waiting for me when I got off the plane. He works at the airport and asked to get off work 15 minutes early so that he could be there waiting for me.

The day after I got home, he had to leave for the weekend to go for overnight drills (for the Army) so I didn't get to see him again till Sunday night, but my sister brought the princess down so I had a great weekend any way.

Then Sunday night he got home just in time for us to go see the WWE in K-town. I missed Shelton Benjamin's enterance b/c I was in the bathroom, but as soon as I heard his music I went running toward the ring. :) John Cena was beautiful (as always) and we went across the street to the hotel where they always hang out afterward. Only this time the only ones we saw were Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair and they were both complete asses. The boy and I went back to the bar and ran up a $70 bar tab before finally heading home.

Tenderheart Bear
You are thinker, organizer, peacekeeper, and leader all in one. You have a power to command attention and people listen to you. However, you are often so concerned about not hurting others' feelings that you don't tell them what they need to hear and this gets you both into trouble. But you always have loyal friends to help you out.

Current mood: lazy

Friday, February 24, 2006

3:28PM - I'm gone!

My office is sending me on a trip next week so I won't be around to read my flist or update my journal. not like i've been doing a good job of that lately any way. But I just thought I'd give yall a heads up.

I love you guys!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

11:12AM - Act your age!

You Are 24 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
What Age Do You Act?

Current mood: crappy

Friday, February 17, 2006

2:55PM - Sorry...

that I've been MIA for awhile. Just haven't had a chance to get on here and update or read. I take that back i haven't MADE time to come on here and update.

for the first time in a while I actually celebrated valentine's day. my fella got me a beautiful watch, bracelet, and brought roses by my office. I ordered him a Super Bowl champion Steeler's t-shirt, but it didn't get here till yesterday. and when I opened it the shirt was huge. definitely not the XL that it was marked, more like a 2X. so that had to go back.

the past few episodes of Lost and Smallville have been pretty good. :) I loved Sayid's episode a couple of days ago, although I don't like the fact that the US military was the bad guy in his story.

and now Lust ListCollapse )

Current mood: curious

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

9:19AM - Lifted from...

i really can't remember. but i didn't just make these up on my own.

I am Smallville'sCollapse )

My baby's daddy: Randy Orton

My husband. (the one I grow old with): Tom Welling

The hot pool boy (that I cheat on my husband with): Shelton Benjamin

My old boyfriend that I go for coffee with (and who makes all the other girls jealous): Ian Somerhalder

The boss I have a crush on: John Schneider

The dad at soccer practice that I flirt with: Vince Vaughn

International man of mystery (the man I travel with. and shag): Josh Holloway

The professor I did in college: Shawn Michaels

If you don't know someone on the list, chances are their a pro-wrestler and you're not someone I met in the Randy Orton community. I just wish I could have added "sex slave: John Cena" to the list.

Current mood: groggy

Monday, February 6, 2006

1:27PM - Going on 2 weeks...

Since I started seeing this guy and its getting fairly serious quickly. I met his parents and his daughter this weekend. I was very nervous but of course they loved me!!

Sadly enough a 2 week relationship is the longest one I've had in a while!! lol

I wasn't sure what to do about Valentine's day, but he's already asked me what kind of gold I wear (white or yellow) and said that all the ladies at his job that he's told are jealous and wish their husbands were that thoughtful.

So I went online today and ordered him a "Super Bowl Champion" Steelers t-shirt (he's a big steeler's fan). And I'm gonna go get him some chocolates just in case the shirt doesn't get here in time.

Thankfully my parents, sister, and brother-in-law are starting to come around. They aren't completely happy with the situation, but they realize that he's making me happy and treating me well and that's their #1 concern. Now if my friend that got on her holier than thou soap box would come around.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

2:21PM - Rollercoaster

A friend of mine from high school (also my prom date) called me out of the blue last week. Since then, we've went out on several dates.

The only problems--my family and one of my friends doesn't approve. And they're starting to get a holier than thou attitude about the whole situation. Its so frustrating because I've got this guy that adores me, but I'm made to feel like sh*t whenever I talk about him. And even though its only been a week, we've just clicked. Its getting serious quickly.

I'm so frustrated right now!

Current mood: confused

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

2:47PM - Do I really have to have a subject...

or can I not just be random.

Apparently my prom date (from 8 years ago) wants to catch back up with me. He's currently going through a divorce and has a kid. very weird.

tonight will be my first night serving the homeless. i'm really not sure what to expect. i'm supposed to go right over after work and then we start serving dinner @ 5:30 and it goes till 6:30 then clean up.

i'm already an emotional basket case because of mother nature. so i'm a little frightened about what might happen tonight. i try to be a bitch, but deep down i'm very tender hearted.

my brother-in-law ask my 19 month old niece this morning if she knew who was coming to visit and she said "boo?" and he was like "no, grannie" and she was like "boo?" at least i know she loves me :D

why does everyone assume that if i'm not happy and perky that i must be tired? if i'm not smiling they walk by my desk and say 'wake up'. I'm awake you moron. I'm just not happy.

New Lost tomorrow night :) and 100th episode of Smallville Thursday!

I'm sorta bummed that I won't be able to buy a new dress for the Valentine's dance (a charity event I'm working) all the other ladies that are working it are getting brand new dresses, but I just don't have $100 to fork out. I'll just use one of the old stand bys i've got collecting dust downstairs.

Current mood: bitchy

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

9:11AM - Some closure...

After speaking to some of my friends/family, I have come to grips with the fact that the dude I was really into and I did have one major thing not in common--the fact that he wanted sex on the 2nd date and that i wouldn't give it to him.

But I still wanted closure for myself, cause even though we only had 2 dates, I think I was in love with him. We had talked since last April so I had gotten to know him fairly well.

So this morning, I sent him an email. I never expect to get a response back, but it felt good to get it out there. Here's what I wrote:Dear Army DudeCollapse )

I prayed a lot this weekend. And I think I'm on my way to being okay with this, and what's even better is that I think I'm on my way to being okay with me. Which is something I haven't been in a long time.

Current mood: complacent

Friday, January 13, 2006

3:30PM - Happy Birthday Tina!!

just wanted to wish musicalrose a happy early birthday!!!!

Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)